Life According to Miss Audrey Bass
by FairMostFatal
Summary: Because Chuck and Blair's daughter was bound to be a handful, right?
1. No Ribbons, No Bows

The blue boxes tied with white ribbon came from Aunt Serena. The brown-and-white-striped bags came from Grandma Lily. If the present was too big for boxes or paper but tied with a huge satin bow, then it was from Daddy.

But the best presents didn't have any wrapping at all. The best presents were Mommy's.

For her sixth birthday, Mommy took her to see _The Nutcracker_ at Lincoln Center, just the two of them. The dancers twirled around the stage, their stiff skirts white like the snowflakes on the sidewalk. When the big man in front of her blocked her view, Mommy pulled Audrey onto her lap. She watched the rest of the ballet from the cloud of Mommy's black tulle skirts, Mommy's perfume tickling her nose.

_Did you like the ballet, Audrey?_

_Yes, Mommy, thank you. But I don't want to be a ballerina anymore. I want to be an astronaut._

_Okay, Audrey. Next year let's go to the moon._

For her seventh birthday, Mommy took her to tea at the Plaza. Violins played and waiters in tuxedos carried them little sandwiches and pastries on silver trays. Audrey folded her white-gloved hands in her lap, bright against her blue velvet dress. She admired the pearl buttons that fastened at the wrists, just like the ones on Mommy's gloves, and the blue velvet headband that matched Mommy's purple. She didn't like the gloves so well when she lifted the china teapot to refill Mommy's cup and the handle slipped out of her fingers.

_I'm sorry, Mommy._

_Don't worry, Audrey. The dress will clean. I'd rather have your smile._

_One lump or two, Mommy?_

On her eighth birthday, Mommy came into her room at six-thirty in the morning, zipped up tight in a black cocktail dress, dark sunglasses hiding her eyes. She pulled Audrey out of bed and into a black dress of her own. That morning, they stood outside the Tiffany store windows and ate croissants and drank hot chocolate and coffee from cardboard cups. Later, Mommy took two animal masks—a dog and a cat— from her Kelly bag and they ran through the Public Library, pulling faces at the lions on their way out.

_Do you like your pony, Audrey?_

_Oh, yes, Daddy. It's one of the best presents ever._

He smiled because he knew the truth, too. Mommy gave the very best presents, even if they didn't come with bows.


	2. Introducing the Next Miss Bass

The first five years of life passed most pleasantly for Miss Audrey Bass. She had an Aunt Serena who declared her closet Audrey's personal make-believe wardrobe (and never yelled when Audrey accidentally tore one of her sparkly dresses). She had an Uncle Eric who let her eat peanut butter right from the jar (and always washed her sticky hands clean before Mommy and Daddy got home from the movies). She had two grandmothers who lived to kiss her cheeks and three grandfathers who lived to buy her presents (and one Rufus who played her songs on his guitar, but Mommy said he was "no freaking way" a grandfather, even if he was married to Grandma Lily).

Best of all, she had Daddy and Mommy. Daddy threw her in the air and blew kisses on her tummy and tucked the covers right up under her chin the way she liked when he put her to bed at night. Daddy worked in a big office with lots of windows and people who had to do to everything he said. Daddy's job was very important and he was very busy, but he always hung up the phone or ended his meeting when Audrey and Mommy visited.

And Mommy braided purple ribbons through Audrey's curls and had tea-party picnics right in the middle of the living room and held Audrey's hand on the escalators at Saks whenever she felt scared. Mommy's job was very important, too, because she had to make sure everyone knew how nice Grandmother Eleanor's dresses were, _plus_ she had to help all the little boys and girls in the city who weren't as lucky as Audrey. But Mommy gave Audrey three kisses every time she left the house and sometimes she even let Audrey play with the big bolts of fabric in Grandmother Eleanor's workshop.

Yes, life was good for Miss Audrey Bass, when everywhere she looked she saw another grown-up who loved _her_ the very best of all.

Until everything changed.

It started slowly at first, so slowly Audrey almost missed it. Sitting at dinner together, just the three of them in their favorite upstairs booth at Centolire, Mommy and Daddy kept looking at _each other_ instead of at Audrey. They were giggling together about something funny, but they wouldn't tell Audrey what it was. Daddy kept putting his arm around Mommy, and then they'd smile.

Next, Mommy pulled the boxes of Audrey's old baby clothes out from the way back of Audrey's second closet. She made two big piles in the middle of Audrey's bedroom. Dorota sorted the pile on the right back into the boxes and carried them out of the house. But Mommy took the pile on the left away to her own room, and Audrey didn't see those clothes anymore.

And then, on the worst day of all, Mommy and Daddy came into Audrey's playroom and told her they had some very good news. Audrey thought they were going to the zoo, or buying her a puppy, or that Aunt Serena was coming to live with them again. But the news wasn't any of those fun things. Sitting side-by-side on Audrey-sized chairs, Mommy and Daddy explained that they were having a baby and Audrey was going to be a big sister and didn't that sound like fun?

No. No, it did not sound like fun. It was not fun to watch them take the furniture out of the room Aunt Serena always slept in and bring in a crib and a rocker. It was not fun to watch pretty Mommy get big and swollen and take off the shiny diamond ring Daddy gave her because it didn't fit her finger anymore. It was not fun to sit at the University Club and to watch Mommy open presents and more presents and not open a single present herself, and not have anyone tell her she was pretty or special or the best girl in the world, or say anything to her other than, "Aren't you excited to be a big sister, Audrey?" even though she was wearing a fancy dress with a big poufy skirt _and_ a ribbon.

Not. Fun.

And the very, very most not fun day was in September. When Daddy woke Audrey up in the morning, Mommy was already gone. Daddy dug Audrey's soccer uniform out, and strapped her shin guards on, and tracked down her cleats in the laundry room, and took her to Riverside Park for her new team's first soccer match, and Mommy wasn't there. Audrey watched Daddy from the field. Sometimes he was looking at Audrey and would wave and smile, and sometimes he was pacing around talking on his cell phone and not looking at all.

Audrey screwed her mouth shut in a pout. Mommy should be here. Daddy should be watching. This wasn't fair!

The black-and-white ball popped out from the huddle of squirming five year olds. It rolled right in front of Audrey. Audrey frowned—_stupid baby, nobody likes you_—and ran to the ball. She kicked it as hard as she could.

It flew right across the field, and all the kids chased it, but they couldn't catch it. It went right into the back of the net. A goal!

Audrey jumped up and down, and Miley and Katherine and all her other friends on the team hugged her and jumped with her. She looked to the sidelines, searching for Daddy's thumbs-up.

Grandma Lily clapped her hands, standing in Daddy's place. Audrey started to cry.

On the way to the hospital, Grandma Lily stroked Audrey's sweaty hair as she cried in her lap. She didn't scold when Audrey put her muddy cleats up on the limo seat. She held Audrey's hand and led her down the hospital hallway with its shiny cold floor until they reached a closed brown door. She knocked and opened it, bringing Audrey into the room.

Mommy lay on a big white bed with a yellow blanket over her legs. Her hair was loose and she wasn't wearing a headband or bow. She smiled and held her arms out to Audrey.

_Mommy!_

_Did you miss me, Audrey?_

Audrey couldn't answer because of the tears filling her mouth and going up her nose. She pressed her face to Mommy's middle and held tight. Mommy smelled like the hospital, and that made Audrey cry more.

_Don't cry, baby. Mommy's here now._

Mommy pulled Audrey onto the bed and squeezed her close while Grandma Lily told all about how Audrey scored the only goal. Grandma Lily didn't tell how Audrey cried on the field or about the dirty shoes in the limo, so Audrey didn't tell either. Mommy kissed Audrey's head and said she was very proud, and Audrey smiled and closed her eyes, smelling Mommy's perfume under the hospital after all.

Later, Daddy walked in carrying a bundle of blankets in his arms. Audrey was still quite angry that he left her game in the middle, but he winked at her and called her his little soccer star, so Audrey decided to forgive him.

Then he came over to the bed and showed her and Mommy what he carried, and it wasn't a bundle of blankets at all. It was a baby. It was her new sister Grace.

The baby wasn't very pretty. She had a wrinkled face and was very red. Audrey couldn't see her eyes at all, because they were shut tight and looked like prunes. Audrey thought her own brown eyes were much prettier, and so were Mommy's. The baby made a noise like a kitten and opened her tiny mouth.

Audrey looked up at that. Mommy and Daddy held the baby together, but they were both looking at _her_, waiting to see what _she_'d do.

_Do you like your sister, Audrey?_

They smiled at Audrey, and they didn't look away, not even when the baby waved her little hands.

Audrey shrugged and nodded. She touched the baby's hand with a finger. Grace's skin was softer than Mommy's cashmere sweaters. Grace opened her baby fist and closed her baby fingers around Audrey's.

Mommy snuggled both girls closer.

_You're going to be best friends._

_It's a little soon to say that, Mommy. But I'll give her a chance._


	3. How to Train a Baby Bass

Daddy liked to tell people that Gracie was born with her fists clenched shut only because there was nothing sparkly to reach for in the birth canal. Audrey didn't know if that was true or just one of Daddy's exaggerations (like the time he shouted to the man on the phone that he was going to use his fucking head to mix fucking concrete if he didn't get him those goddamn blueprints by midnight), but she was pretty sure that the first thing Gracie grabbed _after_ being born was Audrey's glitter hair tie. And she was even surer that anything embroidered or stamped "Property of Audrey Bass" would find its way into Gracie's fingers or mouth in eight seconds or less on the clock.

_Six seconds, Daddy! She's got my tap shoes again!_

_She wont hurt them, Audrey. And put that watch down before you scratch it._

Daddy would hoist his baby girl on his shoulders and march her out of the playroom, sticky baby hands gripping his dark hair and slimy baby drool hitting his collar, while Grace grinned back over his shoulder. Audrey would ignore her smirk (Mommy said babies don't wink _or_ smirk _or_ make faces, but Audrey knew better) and would set the big silver stopwatch on her art table (it said CBB on the back because it was Daddy's) and would take out her red leather notebook with the gold AWB at the bottom and would open to the first page.

At the top it said B.G.N.B., and that meant "Baby Grace's Naughty Book." Today, she drew a picture of a tap shoe and next to it she wrote the number 6. The shoe was under the picture of a doll and the number 4. At the top of the page was a dress with flashy squiggles all over it and the number 1.

Because if she didn't keep track of these things, who would?

Mommy and Daddy never cared much when Gracie put the wrong things in her mouth. But they got very annoyed when she wouldn't put the _right _things in her mouth. Like her dinner. Mommy and Daddy played silly baby games with her—pretended her spoonfuls of mashed-up peas were horsies or choo-choos or airplanes—but Gracie just screwed her mouth shut tight and let the peas hit her fat cheeks, where they dried and fell off in crusty flakes and got stuck in her black curls.

Gross.

_This baby needs some manners, Mommy._

Audrey pinched Gracie's cheeks together, and her lips fell open, and the spoon popped right in. Mommy didn't like that and said things like "gentle" and "careful" and "just a baby" as she ran across the kitchen to the highchair.

But Gracie swallowed all the peas and smiled at Audrey, showing two little teeth on the bottom of her mouth. Audrey filled the spoon up again and Gracie opened her mouth for it. And this time, after she swallowed Grace said, "Yum."

And Mommy and Daddy both agreed that Audrey was the best baby trainer in New York. Much better than the lady who gave those expensive classes at the 92nd Street Y.

Audrey took her duties very seriously, because training a baby was an important job. She had to follow Gracie around the house to make sure she didn't break or spit up on any of Mommy's and Daddy's (and Audrey's) nice things. She had to practice singing silly songs while standing on her head for the times when Gracie cried so hard her face turned purple. Sometimes she even had to hide behind the bedroom door and spy on Gracie in her crib, because babies were their naughtiest when they thought no one was watching. (Mommy gave her a black hat and sunglasses to wear, so Gracie wouldn't recognize her even if she saw Audrey peeking).

Despite all this hard work, though, Gracie was still a very naughty baby. She still chewed Daddy's shirt cuffs and pulled Mommy's hair and drooled on Audrey's favorite Steiff rabbit and screeched when they watched _Gigi_ or _My Fair Lady_.

Pushing Gracie in the baby swing at the Ancient Playground in Central Park, Audrey wondered if she would _ever_ get trained. Maybe she was just a bad baby. A big orange leaf fell from the tree and landed in Audrey's hair, and she brushed it away with a sigh. Not even jumping in leaf piles sounded like fun when Grace was so very, very naughty.

_That baby's fat and ugly!_

A big pile of leaves fell on Audrey and Grace. Gracie shook her head and Audrey pushed them out of her eyes. Brayden Archibald laughed and ran to grab another pile.

_Ignore him, Gracie. He's just a butthead._

Audrey had to whisper the last word so Mommy didn't hear and send her to time-out again. But Gracie heard it and giggled.

_Butthead_, Audrey whispered, and Gracie laughed even harder.

_Butthead, butthead, butthead._

Gracie had the hiccups she was laughing so hard, and when Brayden came back to fling more leaves at them, Gracie threw up milk all over the front of his sweater.

_Serves you right, Poo Poo Breath! Don't make fun of my baby sister!_

Audrey didn't even mind the time-out for bad words, because she couldn't stop laughing while she remembered Brayden's crying when he saw Gracie's spit-up all over his clothes. Maybe Gracie didn't need a baby trainer after all. Maybe a bad baby sister could come in quite handy.

_Good job, Gracie,_ Audrey whispered into the stroller as she crossed back over Fifth Avenue, holding Mommy's hand.

_Next time, aim for his face._


End file.
